The SCF “You’re Screwed, But Here’s Help Anyways” Gift Guide
Some people are dense. Very dense. That’s why I’m sure someone, somewhere, has somehow missed all the sanity-destroying music on the radio, and the “Lord of the Flies” consumerism at the mall this past month, and didn’t realize that today was Christmas. As I write this, it’s three minutes after midnight, which officially means that you’re screwed. You have one last, pathetic chance to save your skin this holiday season:
Your friendly, neighborhood gas station!
Yes, the lowly gas station. Somewhere, there’s one within driving distance of you, and it’s going to be open. You’re not going to find something nice, but at least you’ll find something like:
Souvenir T-Shirts:
Most gas stations now have a rack full of T-shirts. Some of them have clever sayings which were mostly stolen from other T-shirts or country songs. Sadly, those clever lines only work for Brad Paisley or the Kentucky Headhunters, neither of whom are likely to be on your shopping list (I can imagine some of our readers having Paul Brandt on our list, but he has better taste). Occasionally, you can find good shirts like this one from FoulMouthShirts.com, or even something with wolves howling at the moon. Speaking of which:
Wolves on a Fleece Blanket:
It’s like Snakes on a Plane, but without Samuel Jackson. Actually, it’s nothing like Snakes on a Plane. It’s wolves on a cheap fleece blanket made in China. Which is probably a lot safer than snakes on a plane, although the movie would be really boring:
Samel Jackson: I’m sick of these Wolves on a Blanket! Who’s with me?
Dirt biker guy: Hell Yeah! Let’s go to Wal-Mart and get Snuggies!
It’s really not a bad blanket, especially compared to a Snuggie. And yes, you can find similar ones at highway gas stations across Canada. Don’t want to drive that far? Support us by ordering the blanket from Amazon. 
A Sandwich:
At this point, you’re probably trying to justify any purchase as a Christmas present. And, since everyone eats, why not give the gift of food? Who doesn’t love genuine imitation cheese! As a side bonus, when your significant other kicks you out for giving her a turkey sandwich, you already have your Christmas dinner!
Fine Chocolates:
It is perfectly acceptable to give almost anyone a box of chocolates for Christmas. So, why not give them some larger nibbles of individually wrapped chocolate? Priced under $2, it’s a very economical way to satisfy someone’s sweet tooth. You’ll also have a desert to go with you when she unwraps the sandwich marked above!
Gas:
It’s kind of obvious, really. You go to a gas station, and you buy gas. Why not do it for the loved ones on your list? True, they can’t see it or play with it, and you’re probably going to use it all in your own car anyways, but hey, intangible gifts encourage kids to use their imagination. A lot of imagination. Like imagining that Daddy actually remembered Christmas this year.
5-hour Energy products:
Above is 5 hour energy. Below is what happens to people who tried to give anything listed on this page. Now, do the math-your spouse is about to beat you down because you forgot Christmas. You just gave her an energy boosting beverage. Guess what comes next!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
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