We love the auto parts store. It’s an awesome place to be a gearhead, with all the shiny car bits on the shelves. It’s an infinite supply of automotive potential, an entire business operation dedicated to having everything for every car, not including the part you actually came in for.
But, what about the rest of your family? At this most wonderful time of the year, what better gift can you give than to share in the joy of your auto supply shop? Actually, any gift might be better. Heck, even fruitcake might be better. Seriously. Come along, as we share what Christmas gifts from the parts store really mean:
5) Air Freshener: You think it says “I love you, and I want you to think of me every time you see this hanging from your rearview mirror.” It really says “you smell funny, but this thing might help.” Contrary to what most of us hygiene-challenged guys think of ourselves, women are a little more self-conscious about being stinky. That’s why women rarely win farting contests-because they don’t want to. You might believe that she let you win because she’s awesome, but in reality, she let you win because frankly, it grosses her out. If this scenario has actually happened and she’s still with you, that’s why she’s awesome. Get a ring on that finger before she finds someone who doesn’t “share” their passion for chili night.
4) Air Filter: What’s worse than an air freshener? An air filter. If she doesn’t know what it is or why it’s important, she’ll be pissed at your lack of effort. If she does know what it is and why it’s important, well, your still effed. In fact, she’ll probably be even more pissed if she has an understanding of air filters. Because unless your parts store is staffed by a solitary 70-year old man with an unfiltered Camel hanging out of his mouth and an old motionless dog on the floor that may very well be dead, they gave you the wrong filter. And trust me, there’s nothing worse than getting a really lousy gift that doesn’t fit your engine.
3) Beaded Seat Cushion: You’ve basically told your significant other that she reminds you of a taxi driver. Think about this for a second: Taxi drivers will give just about anybody a ride. Now replace the words “Taxi Driver” with “Your Girlfriend.” At least you will have a beaded seat cushion to sleep on tonight.
2) Silicone Glue: True, this is what held my first ATV together. The difference between my ATV and your special lady friend is that my old Honda 200 SX didn’t take it as a hint about the size of its bosom. No, that old ATV just kept dying and getting stuck every damn place it could. Heck, offending it might have been the best thing we could have done to that old hunk ‘o junk. Seriously, when you have a single cylinder, 0.2 litre engine, and still need ether to start on a hot day, you deserve to get berated. Damn you, flat-chested Honda ATV!
1) Blue Truck Nutz: What you think it says: Who cares? Dude, you just gave truck nuts to your old lady for Christmas! It doesn’t matter how she interprets it, any way is just plain bad. In fact, it’s beyond bad. When you wrap it, you may as well write the tag on the back of a divorce lawyer’s business card. Hell, just cover the box in gift certificates from that divorce lawyer. It’s one of those situations where the worst-case scenario would be actually getting the truck nuts on her truck. Seriously, you’re just asking her to get all Carrie Underwood on you.
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